The Best of Twitter

For some of you un-webwise shaved monkeys, or indeed those too ignorant to enjoy the epic advances Twitter has given us (not) I thought Id let you all in on a little bit of Twitter magic. Heres just a snapshot of everything Ive posted on Twitter, most of which are funny. Or else I wouldnt be posting them, would I? Even comes with a bit of an explination as to the origins of them :) Anything with # is what we know as a 'Trending Topic' and you make up something after the phrase.


'Sorry but if your belly is further out than your tits, then your fat love. No no, dont argue, just eat ya cake.' Priceless 4:59 PM Aug 5th, 2009 from web
This was heard on the 107 bus from Sutton.

Is following Yoko Ono... just Paul, Ritchie and Olivia to go and my Beatles obsession will be complete :) 5:26 PM Aug 17th, 2009 from web
Twitter doesnt help my obcession, then again, nothing does.

Note to self : In future dont laugh at Girlfriends failed A-Level results and in return, she wont dump you! Lesson learnt the hard way!! 1:23 PM Aug 20th, 2009 from web
True fact.

Listen, do you want a know a secret, do you promise not to Tweet... #tweatles 8:52 PM Aug 21st, 2009 from web
The idea was to work the word Twitter or Tweet into a Beatles song.

Couldn't the BBC have found a better name for a programme than 'Virgin Cooks' The elderly and/or visually impaired must be OUTRAGED! 10:23 PM Aug 25th, 2009 from web
Cus it looks like Cock!

Possibly the greatest celeb lookalike ever... Whoopi Goldberg and Levi Roots, the man from the Reggae Reggae Sauce thing off Dragons Den 4:26 PM Sep 5th, 2009 from web
WhenI first discovered the long lost siblings. Shown many people after of course.

I have 7 tweet friends... now I shall rise and take over this miserable world and call it.... DALE LAND 4:18 PM Oct 25th, 2009 from web
Im now on 20

Is not the Messiah, Im a very naughty boy!!! 10:58 PM Nov 3rd, 2009 from web
This was after I was forced to move seminar groups after a couple of girls had complained against me for talking in an open forum...

WHY CANT I UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THESE QUESTIONS ARE ASKING ME, I AM SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY THICK 4:47 PM Nov 21st, 2009 from web
Subsequently, I got a B in the coursework. Benefit of hindsight ay!

This is my Century tweet... wish I could do something more special for it, but ya know, Im lazy (Y) 7:32 PM Nov 26th, 2009 from web
Again, its true.

@dysonjeremy I have to agree, so far, this beats all the other Johnny Cash documentaries that have been knocking round the Beeb
This was to one of my comedy idols, 1/4 of The League of Gentlemen. I got a reply back for it too.

Inability to express and fufill emotional needs lead to depression, low self esteem & rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria... 2:08 AM Dec 2nd, 2009 from web
Read that somewhere and it was actually very accurate to how I felt at the time. Helped me to be more expressive.

Happy 1 year Anniversary Unemployment, the only person willing to stick by me through everything... thats loyalty (Y) 11:45 PM Dec 3rd, 2009 from web
Ahh, one of my greatest milestones.

#thoushallnot Go clubbing this weekend... Seals are becoming endangered nowadays 1:24 PM Dec 17th, 2009 from web
Cant beat an animal abuse joke can ya.

#thoushallnot Stalk another person... we prefer the term 'obviously spying' in this part of town 5:00 PM Dec 17th, 2009 from web
Another one came up. Maybe not as funny as the first one but...

200 Tweets *dances funky dance* Thats all your getting out of me tonight now, cba with my mergence of Twit and Facebook, or Twatbook! Nighto 5:09 PM Dec 17th, 2009 from web
First appearence of Twatbook

#HowWouldYouFeel If I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me... no wait... thats The Beatles :/ Ahh well! Still EPIC 6:25 PM Dec 21st, 2009 from web
Is well aware its 'What would you do' but its pretty close and still kinda works...

#ILoveItWhen A plan comes together *lights cigar* 7:23 PM Dec 27th, 2009 from web
Tribute to my sisters fab crimbob present of A-Team

#bonofacts Bono left his radio on so The Edge didnt feel lonely during the Live 8 concert 3:33 PM Jan 4th from web
Proof that you should practice what you preach...

Why is it there is only 1 solo Paul McCartney song I can listen too from start to end and not shout shit over the top of it? Genius my arse! 6:53 PM Jan 5th from web
If your intrested, its Here Today. Theres a few thats only got one or two shoutings over it...

T-Mobile pitys the fool that switches companies! 7:15 PM Jan 5th from web
Tribute to Mr. T if you struggled to guess.

Doesnt think a Yorkshire A-Team would have the same epicness... Ohh I loves it when a plan combine harvesters! 4:18 PM Jan 7th from web
Gotta be said in a Yorkshire accent to work really.

If you can win an argument citing porn as your main case in point, Ima admit, your pretty good! 9:43 PM Jan 10th from web
Carl, Winston and Ed were having a discussion and Carl very cleverly made Ed realise the errors of his way, by using porn as an example. The discussion wasnt about porn, which made it even better.

#failedpickuplines Is your name Latex, cus this johnny has your name on it 9:46 PM Jan 10th from web
Yep, thats a real one.

#WaysToAnnoyPeople - Personally, to annoy just breathe my air to say something, then its completely moronic afterwards! That pisses me off! 1:37 AM Jan 15th from web
You all know I hate morons, so it was bound to surface somewhere.

I only eat yellow snow cus at least I know whats in it 10:31 PM Jan 17th from web
Thats a joke thats based around on jizz and snow being the same colour.

#iseeyou with my eyes... 3:34 AM Jan 19th from web
Bit of a state the obvious one, especially when people were coming up with crap about driving with no wing mirrors... Alot of sarcasum used in it

Had sex with an octopus. Never been held so tight in my life about 17 hours ago from web
Sometimes you want to just be held.

#fatthoughts Dont eat the cake, dont eat the cake, dont eat the cake, dont eat the cake, dont eat the cake... CRAP!! I ate a man instead!! 7 minutes ago from web
Was hard to strike the right amount of Dont eat the cakes... 140 characters aint enough sometimes

#youknowurescrewed when you get called a less attractive, less human-looking, less manly Susan Boyle. 6 minutes ago from web
Actually happened. Fact.

My Song For You (Especailly for You)

So, basically, I gone and got drunk, and as Ive been in a very creative mood lately, writing down jokes and blogging stuff, I spose my brain thought it could write a sort of song/poem thing. My notes on the paper have written a title which is the same as the one Ive given this entry, and after it (Especially for You) as to allow it to be reffered to as either (as similiar to Norweigaen Wood/This Bird Has Flown). It also has the (Meades) bit, again, akin to that found on the back of Beatles albums. Here it is:


If theres someone out there
For everyone, let me just say
I went and I found her
And I went and pushed her away

Cus from head to toe
I want you to know
I love you girl, I do
And I know Ive done wrong
Thats why I write you this song
Especially for you

And every single night now
Boy, I just cant sleep
And girl youll never know now
How I curl up and gently weep

Cus from head to toe
I want you to know
I love you girl, I do
And I know Ive done wrong
Thats why I write you this song
Especially for you

No-one will ever love you as much
Or your eyes they'd long to see
Or actually crave your touch
And need you just like me

Cus from head to toe
I want you to know
I love you girl, I do
And I know Ive done wrong
Thats why I write you this song
Especially for you

Key to my heart
And essense in my soul
To be with you Id tear the whole
Heaven and Earth apart


Drunken mind, sober heart ay!

My notes also have (Thanks George!) by the line 'Gently Weeps'.
In the top corner, it says 'Dedicated to the only other girl to have my heart, and the only one to have broke it'

Thought Id share this with the world.